Surrender Unto Me

September 12, 2011 § Leave a comment

Down your last drink. Take the last drag from that last cigarette. Take one last look at your face in the mirror, as you put the gun to your head, as you pull the trigger.

Click. And nothing.

Some part of you takes it to mean some sign of hope, some chance of a new beginning as you drift off in sleep, as you fall into dreams.

Morning, and the evening before is mostly forgotten, some vague sense of dis-ease at the periphery¬† of consciousness. Still, it’s a new morning, til the rhyme of the day becomes the rhyme of every other day that came before it, and it’s just another day until night comes.

You know what comes next, don’t you?

Down your last drink. Take the last drag from that last cigarette. Take one last look at your face in the mirror, as you put the gun to your head, as you pull the trigger.

Click. And nothing.

You’ve been here before. You just don’t remember. Because it’s not convenient. Because it interferes. You’re not alone.

For some people, it’s day after day. Or month after month. Or year after year.

Or lifetime after lifetime.

You keep going, thinking it will be different this time. That it will be better. That it will work out. That you’ll get through. And meanwhile a million distractions to ease the pain. A million drugs, a million drinks, a million boys, a million girls, a million mornings of wondering who you are and how you got here and why does it hurt so effing much.

It doesn’t have to be like this. It does not have to be like this. You know that. Deep down you know that.

But you turn away. You want your freedom. You want your own way. You just want to find a little happiness to get you through to the next time you find yourself curled up on the sidewalk, lost, confused, and trembling in fear. Just surrender.

It’s that easy. It’s just that easy.

But you won’t do it, will you? You’ve got to have your freedom.

So game over. Press the restart button, Nathan.

Don’t worry. He’ll wait for you. He’ll wait until you’re ready to go home.

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